Tag Archives: storms

My Lifeboat

Posted on by under abuse, accomplishing, carry on, domestic violence, fighter girl, fighting, friend, friends, help, hero, hopeful, independent, life raft, lifeboat, movement, moving, Pain, savior, secular, storms, strength, stronger, survival

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My house is a lifeboat.
Contained within the dimensions of these walls are all that is needed to survive temporarily.
The storm is moving in, I see it building with rage.
This evening, it wants to break me.
All the hatred that it violently wants to release on me.
This storm is out to kill me.
This storm desires to bruise me and destroy all that is contained within my core.

I see the clouds stampeding towards me in dark greys, black, and aquamarine.
Flashes of light begin to help rage that storm forward at a rapid pace.
It draws itself closer.
The blasts of wind fill my lungs and make me feel as if I’m not breathing.
I need to remind myself to keep breathing.

Here we go.

As the waves increase swiftly and rapidly,
I look down.
I assess my circumstance.
I feel as if I may lose my grip and fall into the dark abyss of the waters below.

I can either give up and rest in this boat helplessly,
or I can actually hold on to my dear life like I’ve never held on before.
How much am I willing to fight?
If I fail to stand my ground, am I prepared to swim?
It’s time to test the strengths of my own courage.
It’s time to fight.

The waves raise this lifeboat ten feet high.
Fifteen feet high, slams me down.
Twenty-five feet high, the waves want to wreck my body.
I’m thrown and thrashed.
Each time salt water floods my nostrils and brings a sting to my eyes.

I try to maintain my grip on that boat.
“Tomorrow this storm will pass and all will be well”
“It will be wonderful”

The thrashing and damage this storm causes me to stand my ground!
I yell at the storm “FUCK YOU!!!”
It builds up with more rage and raises me fifty feet high, crashes me into the waters and destroys the little lifeboat.

The thunder from the storm replied with a deep-raging laugh mocking my attempts to be brave.

I swirled into the depths of the dark abyss where I was afraid to go.
The dark waters where I felt hopeless.
The dark waters when I felt like a failure.
And the dark waters sucked me deep.
And I gave up.

Floating there.
Letting the dark water depression take me over.

The storm was pleased that it put me in my place.
It was pleased that it had showed me where I belonged.
In that deep darkness where I couldn’t rise and grow more strength from the sunlight.

It watched as I sank.
Not putting up anymore fight.
This storm gave a look of displeasure. Of a brief moment of sadness.
“She gave up that easily?”

It moved on. Raged on.
The storm then dispersed.
The ocean began to calm.
Sun came flourishing through the windows of this old house.

I lay restless in the darkness
On the floor.
The door slams as that man walks out.
Starts the car.
Drives off.

I try to pick up the courage to do something.
“What do I do?”
“What do I do?”
“Do I call the police? Do I call my mother?”
“Who can I talk to about this storm that I just endured?”

I need someone to help me with my fight.
I need a plan.
I need a safe plan.

So I stand.
I grab what I can and place it in a bag.

I come to my senses.
I slowly swim to the surface.
A boat lies up ahead and I think this could be the boat that helps me.
I need to give it a try.

I thought I felt safe in my lifeboat.
Never before have I felt as safe in a life raft.
But it brought to me the warmth and safety that I haven’t experienced in a long time.

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